A Cold Reading

The Frost is here, wrap up Well.

This is an official emergency broadcast from the World Government. The Nuclear Winter continues, and global temperatures are still at an all-time low, please remain calm. The 0R4CL3 Artificial Intelligence Calculation Service has predicted the best possible outcomes for all of you. They are as follows.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

We knew that the weather was cold Capricorn, but this month you will have to be cold-hearted. With the Prime Minister now frozen in a solid block of ice, you’ll have to act fast if you want a seat at the collapsing world government.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Aquarius this month, a lot will be riding on your shoulders. You’ll trek alone across the frozen Arctic Ocean in hopes of finding the Svalbard Seed Vault. Here’s hoping your crude manhandling will do less damage to the seeds than the nukes.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Pisces, sign of the fish, this month your negotiation skills will be tested. The Snow Crabs of the Arctic will rise from the depths to claim the surface as their own. Only you can prevent this crustacean devastation. 

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Aries, your extroverted nature brings joy to everyone around you. However, you will have been in the bunker with the same twelve people for eight months. They want you to shut up Aries. They need you to shut up.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Taurus, you have always had a deep, spiritual, and otherworldly connection to nature. No, you don’t get to hug the polar bear. Leave it alone. Taurus, I’m warning you. It’ll eat you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Gemini, this month you’ll be filled with new and bright ideas. But even though our food supply is rapidly dwindling, the crops have failed, and no rescue is coming, cannibalism might be the wrong kind of idea.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This month, you’ll successfully freeze the prime minister, sabotage the seed vault of Svalbard, let a polar bear loose onto Taurus, and seduce Scorpio. Good work agent. All hail the Snow Crab! May our pincer black out the sun.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Leo, for all our sakes, this month you’ll have to make a choice. Aries won’t stop talking, and Sagittarius won’t stop making puns. We don’t have food for all twelve of us. Which one will we banish into the wasteland? As the leader, you will have to choose Leo. My vote’s on Aries.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Virgo, you have a deep and innate connection between your mind and body. So, this month when your body becomes irradiated in multiple horrifying ways, you’ll know. (Hint: you’re not supposed to have thirty-one eyes) You’ll have to either leave the bunker yourself or be banished. Say hi to Libra for me.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

I’m sorry Libra, I have no good news for you. You’re going to die in the snow. In the cold, lost in the mountains beneath the husks of icy trees, your body will lie frozen. Take solace in the fact that you kinda look like Jack Torrence at the end of The Shining.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio, you need to get it under control. This month, you’re not gonna be able to hide your sordid affair with the Snow Crab People from the rest of your camp. They’re gonna find out, let’s just hope they’re open-minded about carcinization.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Sagittarius, I need you to stop saying “Chill Out,” “Have an Ice Day”, “It’s snow joking matter,” and “All is not frost.” It’s literally the end of the world, everyone is cold, and your optimism is hurting me. I’m about to give you the cold shoulder. Dammit! Now, you’ve got me doing it.

This was a World Government emergency broadcast. This will be our final message as the space heater in the radio tower broke. Until temperatures rise once more, take it ice and easy. See ya.