Station Zodiac-24274: Orbiting Europa while Jupiter is in Retrograde

…C o n n e c t i o n  R e c e i v e d…

This is the Galactic Federation’s official report regarding the coming affairs aboard Station Zodiac for its 24274th month in orbit. Using the most advanced resources in neurolink time manipulation technology, the Divine Astrologer has prophesied the most scientifically likely outcomes. They are as follows:

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Oh Capricorns, there is a time for patience, and a time for action. This month when the alarm blares that three modules have lost pressure, foreign material has been detected in the cargo hold, and a fire has broken out in Quadrant 7, you’ll have your hands full. It’s important to deal with your problems calmly and one at a time. Just, maybe start with the fire.

Aquarius (January 20 – Feb 18)

Sometimes it is difficult to tell exactly what the problem is. You’ll spend this month attempting to identify the alien disease that is wracking the crew. Some will come with conflagrated genitals, others with their faces melting off. The disease will spread, doctor, and with all your tools in the MedBay sabotaged, you’ll also have to raid the kitchens just to find basic tools. The pizza slicer could work as a scalpel… right?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You have always been in touch with your own feelings and with those of others. As the designated ship psychologist, you’ll have your work cut out for you this month. With security measures forcing a lockdown throughout the station, you’ll have many patients coming to you with cabin fever. It’s important to help others with their impending psychic doom, but don’t stretch yourself too thin trying to save everyone. Station Zodiac needs you too <3.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When trouble strikes this month, you’ll be ready mentally and physically. If a pressure valve breaks, you’ll have duct tape. If bolts come loose, a welding torch will be at the ready. Though you’ll handle many small challenges with ease, take your time handling the bigger problems, like the hull breach on Deck 9. Specifically, the hull breach on Deck 9. Please seal the hull breach on Deck 9.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Darling, I know, they just don’t get it. Space is meant to be an adventure; you’re meant to relax and cruise. Though your family’s interstellar mining profits helped you book a room aboard this ship, everything around your vacation suite seems to be crumbling. I guess you’ll just have to sip your juicepack of ambrosia as you watch the station burn up in the exosphere. *Sigh* so bourgeoisie.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your insatiable curiosity is both a gift and a curse. Gemini, I am urging you, do not stick your head in the fusion reactor. This month you’ll be tempted to put your melon right into the superheated plasma. For fuck’s sake, do not do it. No good will come of it. But I can read the stars Gemini, you won’t be able to resist. I’ll let Aquarius know to ready a bodybag.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Sometimes you can be too trusting. Be careful of people who seek to abuse that this month. The deepspace communicator will pick up a message from homebase. The warning will only say a few words, “Earth has fallen, do not return.” It will be up to your intuition to decide whether or not this is a member of the Galactic Trade Union or of the rebel fleet attempting to trick you into remaining where you are. Trust your gut instinct but keep your eyes open.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

This month it will be important to pace yourself Leo. Adversity comes in waves just like the brood offspring of the hive mother. This month, time and time again they will try to flood the halls from where their queen has laid her rancid eggs. Keep your plasma rifle close and your suit on, you’ll have to deal with the coming challenges all by yourself.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Make sure to not let your need for control consume everything around you. Mercury will be in retrograde soon, but you still have time to adjust to the brain mainframe upload. It will be difficult to lose all emotional and physical connection to your previous body. But trust me, the neurolink is an upgrade. You just need to be open to change… and rerouting all sensory organs through a machine.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This coming month is going to be a test. Your need for symmetry and equilibrium in your life will malfunction alongside the artificial gravity generator. You may feel like your world is spinning out of control, but don’t worry, because it is. It’s important to remain collected and remind yourself that some things really are out of your hands. 

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ve always been good at hiding your feelings but this month maybe it’s time to open up. No one will notice that you will be infected with a hive egg from the queen mother unless you tell them. Your colleagues may judge you for your cravings of human flesh but it’s important to be yourself truly and unapologetically. You deserve to be loved, tentacles and all.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

You may feel your soul is hard to contain in the coming days. This month you’ll be ejected out of the airlock. When the pressure drops, and the doors are sealed, it’s important to remember to go with the flow. Specifically, the airflow which will jettison you out into the dark empty void of space. Good luck Sagittarius.

The Galactic Federation would like to thank you for your future continued service.

We value your contributions to our future and the future’s future.

…C o n n e c t i o n  T e r m i n a t e d…