“Would you love me if I was a worm?”: Why some women might feel the need to be unconditionally loved

When it comes to heterosexual couples, most of us have  witnessed some bizarre scene of a girl or a woman asking her partner if they would love them under certain conditions. Said conditions can sound reasonable at times (“Would you still love me if I was old and wrinkly?”) or completely crazy (“Would you love me if I was a snail?”), the point is that everyone has gazed eyes upon a girl who looks at her partner with the fear of rejection when she asks him one of those questions.

But why is that and why is it specifically straight women that have the tendency to do that? Without wanting to exclude LGBTQ+ folks, I do believe that this scenario mostly takes place in heterosexual couples and especially from the girl’s side rather than the other way round. And even though everyone wants to be unconditionally loved and deals with their own fears and demons when it comes to matters of love, it appears that mostly straight women have these very specific questions in their heads.

After some thought on the matter, I came to the hypothesis that this is likely the result of years of sexism and the contrast between desiring the opposite gender as well as fearing it.

Short end of the stick

Let me explain my idea a bit further. Unfortunately, it hasn’t been that long ago since women gained political rights, let alone the same amount of respect as men have in society. In most places in the world (everywhere but the north I would say), sexist concepts and specific ideas of a person depending on their gender still run strongly within the minds of the populations. Therefore, straight women often end up having the short end of the stick when it comes to relationships.

The reason for the above is simply the fact that only recently have they had the chance to be respected by their partners as equals. Before, women were thought to be anything but equal in a relationship. In the times of our great-great-grandmothers women were barely thought of as something more than property. And, depending on the country, many of our mothers have experienced some form of social pressure to be a “woman”, whatever that may have meant. Even today some countries have very specific standards on what a “woman” may be.

The ever-changing expectations

And, to be honest, these measures of how much a woman is a “woman” get more and more confusing as traditional roles are abandoned in the everyday lives of people but not in their minds. In the past, a woman was the opposite of what a man was. Kind of like its contrast. Then society kind of realized that it is more normal for people to act or make choices depending on their personality rather than their gender and that “confused” many, because suddenly women could do exactly what men did. Thus, whoever wished to “measure” the womanhood of a woman had to become very creative in their measurements.

Suddenly, a “good” woman in the 90s was the woman who went to the gym, was a girl boss AND had the perfect family picture. Then a “good” woman became whoever was extremely attractive and could pull the best partner because of it. Now a “good” woman is the one who can pull many partners because of her physique and that is still debatable by many. At the same time, you have a huge wave of what we would call “r/notlikeothergirls” girls that try to prove their value by not being what most women on social media supposedly promote.

Competitors and replaceability

The main point is, at all times women have been judged on everything  but their personality and personal values. They have also always felt the need to compete with each other because society pushes the agenda that they can easily be replaceable by another “better woman”. This is true especially regarding looks in recent years; in every film and series women have to be attractive to have any worth within the story (with some exceptions of course). Older women (or what is deemed unattractive for the media at each time) are either evil or not important in the story. There are few instances where a woman is happy with a partner who has eyes only for her because of her personality and values.

This, I do believe, sets uncertainty within the straight female population. It is an uncertainty that the society heightens and makes them believe that they are easily replaceable.  The fact that on many occasions they do have to deal with sexist partners, who measure their worth by ridiculous measurements (probably to make up for their own lack of self-esteem), doesn’t help the feelings of helplessness very much.   

Now, I don’t want to say that this is the case for every woman and girl nor that all men are sexist. Thankfully, in recent history, we have many healthy and straight couples who respect each other truthfully and both partners feel safe and loved within the relationship. I also do believe that this is one of the most gender-equal times humanity has ever experienced. It’s just that we still need some steps forward and a lot more projections of healthy relationships (of all genders and sexualities) to model after.