Healthy Sex and Healthy Attitudes
When I arrived in Iceland, I noticed that people seemed much more open about their sexualities, and I felt like discussions surrounding sex were a lot more open than they are in England. I spoke to Gerður Huld Arinbjarnardóttir who runs an erotic retail store about whether or not attitudes towards sex and sexuality were changing.
Attitudes are changing
Graphics: Sóley Ylja A. Bartsch
In answer to my question about how best to promote healthy attitudes towards sex, her answer focused on the importance of education and open communication – specifically how currently, sex education focuses on the prevention of pregnancies and STDs, rather than the more fun aspects. People should grow up with knowledge and understanding of sex drive and sexual fantasy and not be made to feel ashamed of it.
Attitudes in Iceland have changed a lot over the past 10 years according to Gerður, and demand for toys has risen too – people are starting to buy multiple toys for different things. Gerður mentioned that her grandparents were concerned that she has ‘ruined’ her name. She definitely sees it as a good thing that people are becoming more open about sex and is adamant that everyone has equal rights to experience pleasure, not just men and women – and the more everyone educates themselves and develops a healthy attitude, the more pleasure people can get out of it.
Communication and validation are the key
In order to support equal representation, Gerður made the decision not to categorise toys by gender, but instead by using the categories of ‘vagina, penis, or ass’ which makes it easier for people to find what they are looking for and does not exclude anyone from the wider discussion of healthy sexual attitudes. She also acknowledges that a lot of people might not be interested in sex: ‘It is important to talk about different longings; not everyone wants, feels or is interested in the same things when it comes to sex. There is more to sex than just penetration. Some people aren’t interested in the penetration part of sex, but do love foreplay, or the intimacy.’
Of course, not all sex will involve the use of toys, but being able to communicate your needs or desires safely is a key requirement to being able to enjoy healthy sex life. Gerður mentioned two key points that I feel require emphasis: communication with yourself is just as important as with your partner – allowing yourself to experiment and enjoy things safely is the first step to healthy sex life. And the second point to emphasise is that it is important to communicate to your partner both what you do like as well as what you do not like. Knowing what you do not enjoy helps you to set healthy boundaries.
Boundaries and safe spaces
What boundaries you set for yourself is up to you – sex is a very personal experience, and whilst a lot of people are very comfortable and/or confident when it comes to doing the deed, a lot of people are also not. Respecting other people’s boundaries is crucial in every aspect of life, and this is especially the case when it comes to intimacy.
As mentioned above, sex is also not for everyone, and it’s completely fine if you do not enjoy, or have any interest in it. Sexuality is a spectrum and as the world becomes more progressive and hopefully more accepting of people in all shapes/sizes/backgrounds/sexualities/genders it is becoming easier for people to explore their identities in different ways. It is important that people are given safe environments to do this, and that people feel safe. Below I have listed a variety of resources that might be useful for anyone questioning their sexuality, and helplines based here in Iceland.
Useful Resources:
On Sexuality/Queerness in general:
https://positivesexuality.org/resources/sexuality-resources/
https://samtokin78.is/english/
On Asexuality:
On positive sexuality and feminism there are a variety of articles about the Slutwalk (a transnational movement with an aim of combatting rape-culture) you can access via google.
For the Reykjavik sexual health clinic:
https://samtokin78.is/for-std-tests/
If you’d like to reach out to Gerður with your own questions (about anything from toy use, to penetration free options, to workshops on sexuality and pleasure, she can be contacted using the following email address: blush@blush.is