Can’t you tell I’m queer??
Article: Margrét Björk Daðadóttir
Photo: Margrét Björk Daðadóttir
Translation: Lísa Margrét Gunnarsdóttir
Ever since I was a teenager, my own gender orientation and gender identity has been on my mind. This has always been a large part of my self-image and I’m quite proud to be a part of the queer community. I identify as bisexual and I like being loud and vocal about it. I’m attracted to all genders, but the reason I identify more with the term bisexual, rather than pansexual, is because I don’t feel attraction regardless of gender, which is often how pansexuality is described, so I feel like bisexual is a term which fits me better. My attraction towards people is very much based on gender, and I experience attraction in a very different way depending on the person’s gender.
I’ve dated both boys and girls, and I feel a big difference. Dating a lesbian woman on one hand and a straight man on the other are two completely separate things to me. I feel my standards drop when dating boys, it’s enough for them to provide the bare minimum and I’m content. However, I’ve dated some magnificent women in the past. I think this is due to the types I’m attracted to - it varies a lot based on gender. I’m romantically more attracted to women and non-binary people, but my attraction towards men is more physical.
When I dated a girl I could avoid unwanted advances from men by simply saying I had a girlfriend. I often told people I was a lesbian after I broke up with that girl, because I didn’t want any men to feel like they could hit on me. I wasn’t ready to let go of the privileges that came with dating a woman. I only divulged the fact that I’m bisexual to people I was interested in, it was my way of controlling who could see me in a sexual way, and when. We’re quite influenced by the binary structure of society, and that’s why I preferred people to think I was a lesbian rather than straight, because I felt like it gave me control over the objectification one faces as a woman, although ideally I’d like people to see me only as bisexual. I feel empowered when my queerness is noted, and also by not giving boys a chance to even think about something more than friendship with me unless I explicitly allow it.
I feel quite lucky to be bisexual, and I wouldn’t want to change that. I feel like my sexuality also has an effect on my gender expression. I struggle sometimes with the fact that men see me as a woman, except when I especially want them to. I feel like it’s such an important part of my gender to be queer. It feels like a break from the male gaze. I’ve noticed subtle changes in my behavior depending on who I want to be seen by, although that seems like a contradiction. I feel like I want to be more feminine if I like a boy, but more androgynous if I like a woman or a non-binary person.
I love being able to use looks and clothing to choose what type of people I want to attract and how they see me and are attracted to me, but at the same time it’s a real nuisance. What if I leave the house looking all androgynous or masculine, and then bump into a cute boy who I want to be noticed by? Or if I leave the house looking feminine and chic and then see a girl I’m interested in, and I want her to know I’m queer? I can’t carry an extra outfit everywhere I go! It’s important to note, though, that I’m not saying that being feminine and being straight is synonymous, or being a masculine-looking girl is automatically queer. I’m simply describing how my experience of my own gender, sexuality and infatuation with other people is very connected to my gender expression. I connect my interest in girls and non-binary people much more to my queerness rather than my femininity. My interest in boys, however, is more related to my gender, then I want to be a girl. This is only true if I’m already interested in said boy, though, I really want to be able to control when boys get to see me as a woman.
Sexual orientation is both deeply personal, and varies based on personality. I’m quite thankful for the queer community and how it’s paving the way to make space within society for people to look into their own gender and sexuality. This is something I could ponder on and talk about infinitely, because it’s a large part of my self-image and shapes the way I see the world.